Grief is a natural and healthy response to loss. The problem is, we as a society, are not very good at true grief. Many grief specialist will say that there are 7 stages of grief which must occur to be able to move through in a healthy way. This can be a long and tedious process for some. Part of the reason for this is, we get stuck somewhere in the middle stages and have a difficult time moving out. Grief eventually begins to mimic depression, isolation, anger, and hopelessness. We feel that this can be a dangerous thing to do. In an effort to feel better, they begin to get stuck in a “What If” fantasy. “What if I would have known earlier?”, “What if I would have been a better friend/parent/sibling/wife/etc.?”, and so on. We begin to practice other emotions, like guilt and shame. When that doesn’t work, we turn to anger or isolation.

Many grieving people express a sadness that people are moving on and have stopped remembering the lost loved one. Or they are afraid to stop being sad because it would mean THEY were also forgetting the lost loved one. Ironically (and sadly), what is usually happening is that the very thought of the lost loved one is making the grieving person feel awful! They have been practicing guilt, shame, and blame for so long trying to avoid the “horrible thing that happened”, that the person they lost becomes intrinsically connected to the bad feelings. So people become very stuck. They don’t want anyone to “forget” the lost loved one, but THEIR OWN memories that they are holding on to make them feel miserable. Do you see the problem? Many people struggle to remember the good memories, instead focusing on all the painful ones. Over an extended period of time, this begins to effect your brain chemistry and hormones. This often leads to depression, depersonalization, or other disorders. Turning grief into something far different.

Here is the thing, the lost loved one has moved on to a higher state. Or if you don’t believe that, then the only thing keeping them relevant is your memory of them. Regardless, I can almost assure you that the LAST thing the lost loved one would want is to know that the very thought or memory of them (which is all that is left) is causing you such turmoil!

That, in fact, is how we truly lose people. We will either stay in misery at the mere mention or thought of the lost loved one, or we will try to block off any thought of them altogether. Either way, this is not the best way to honor our loved ones.

The key to grief is, remembering all the GOOD memories you did have with them. And can continue to have! You can keep them honored in your mind because every thought of them is connected to a good feeling, and you can acknowledge and let go of the painful ones. To do this, we often need to deal with the underlying emotions that are keeping us stuck in the middle part. Feelings like guilt, blame, regret, loneliness, shame, etc.

That is where we come in. The brain will often hold on to the painful memories and deem them more “important” than the happy ones. Take for instance Fran who suddenly lost her beloved husband of 50 years. The very thought of him makes her so sad that she barely wants to continue her own life. In the beginning, this is completely normal and understandable. If this continues, Fran has only 2 foreseeable choices. Either stop thinking about her husband, or go ahead and die of grief. What if there is another choice? What if she can get some assistance moving through the sadness with some small subconscious changes. When we can calm down the stress response, she is free to begin to focus on and remember 50 years worth of happy memories. She can then begin to share the stories with others, because they bring her such joy rather than pain. When people see what joy it brings her, they will encourage her to talk more, remember more. In turn, she will continue to experience her husband every day. His physical presence is gone, but his memory and influence grows stronger by the day!

That is the way I would like to be grieved by any of my loved ones. What about you? When you do that, you’re no longer replaying the painful memories of the passing of others. Instead, you’re able to remember more and more small and precious details. Faint smells, small and meaningful looks, funny little sayings. These are the kinds of memories that bring a smile to your face and make you feel connected

This is such a wonderful way to honor our loved ones.