You are not a Bad Person for the Way you tried to Kill the Sadness
“Whatever gets you through the night.” This was the advice given to me when my first born was a baby and night waking had become problematic. Even though I knew that advice was most definitely not the solution, I must admit that there were nights when I followed it out of desperation to get some shut-eye!
We all look for coping mechanisms to help us through stressful times. This is normal and a way for us to maintain our mental and emotional wellbeing at the time.
Look, we are all doing the best we can with what we have! Very few of us were taught as kids how to successfully manage stress. By watching our parents (who, by the way, were also just doing the best they knew how!) “manage” their stress we were most probably shown more harmful or destructive (Maladaptive) coping mechanisms than healthy ones.
We eventually reach adulthood, and learning how to navigate through life’s storms falls squarely on our shoulders – untrained shoulders, might I add!
We make decisions that may benefit us in the moment, but in the long run no longer serve us - or even become mentally unhealthy or destructive to our health.
Two examples of approaching stressful situations are either being Avoidant or Active.
The Avoidant coping style is exactly what is says – you try and avoid the situation by ignoring the problem. This is done by taking part in activities that ASSIST you in DENYING the problem. Sleeping, eating, substance abuse or withdrawing from others and society are some examples. And yes, there are times when we all need a little extra sleep or some alone-time to recharge our batteries. But the problem is that adopting this coping style does not necessarily resolve the problem, and can even amplify it!
We need to remember that maladaptive coping mechanisms are always counterproductive!
Having an Active coping mechanism involves focusing on the problem in an attempt to “problem-solve”. Identifying the cause of your distress (awareness) and then trying to find ways to reduce the negative effect of it.
You see, putting my one year old baby in my bed in the middle of the night served me at the time. And it didn’t harm either one of us. But my baby is now 13, and putting her in my bed now will not result in a good night’s rest; on the contrary I don’t think I will sleep a wink (and I’m convinced I will have to resort to some additional coping mechanisms to get through the next day!). So even though letting her jump in my bed now will still not “harm” either one of us, it will definitely not serve me the way it used to.
I am asking you to take stock of where you are at.
Have you assessed your coping styles lately? Are they still serving you for the better? And WHY do you have the specific coping skills you do?
Has it merely become a habit now, or could it potentially be masking something that’s still painful and needs to be addressed on a deeper level?
It is never too late to change how we deal and cope with hurts from the past. But more importantly - we need to remember that it is never too late to HEAL from what harmed us.
After all, isn’t HEALING better than coping?